Fill the World with Rivers

Sorry, it's been awhile. It's been rude of me to keep my fans impatiently waiting. And for that, I apologize. Just kidding, I don't need to apologize. "Sorries are for sissies," my dad always says.

#lookinggood #justworkedout #justagreatday #feeltheburn #gymaholic #traineveryday #squats

First things first, a little about what's been going on with me in the past year or two. Just running around, yelling stuff, screaming at the top of my lungs, you know, the usual. I also started doing this thing where I shake my head, you know, like when you shake your head no. I just do it for fun, but mom and dad think it is the absolute greatest thing in the world, and they just sit there and shake their heads at me, and I'm assuming that means they want me to shake my head? Either that or they're telling me no. Whatever it means, I shake my head a couple times in reply, and then they squeal in delight like little schoolchildren. Also, I'm really getting into this whole "talking" thing, which I guess everyone does? My dad is always telling me to say things because it makes him really happy, so I'll often do what he asks just so I don't hurt his feelings. Because I know he gets his feelings hurt a lot. I seriously don't know what his problem is. Hey dad, if you're reading this, just chill out, okay? You just need to stop worrying about things you can't control. 

Also, I started doing this thing where I hit my mom on her clavicle (that's the collarbone, in case you don't know). I don't know if anyone else has ever tried it. When she's holding me in front of her, I just slap and slap her clavicle, over and over again. Such a thrill. Then daddy grabs my hand and gets this disapproving look on his face. Then I'm just like, "yeah man, whatever," and as soon as he lets me go, I do it again. Pssh. Parents trying to control my life. I can't wait to move out of the house soon. 

Just for kicks and giggles (and because I love all my loyal fans so much), I'm gonna start taking fan mail and answering questions on here. Is that alright with everyone? If it's not, let me know. I'll do my best to answer as many questions as I can, but... knowing how popular I am, answering every question isn't really feasible. So he we go.

First question comes to us from Perry Mangus of St. Louis, Missouri. Ah, Missouri, so many memories. Perry asks, "Rivers, what are your feelings about the recent goverment shutdown? How might it have been avoided?" Good question Perry. As you can see, our government runs like a machine. It has all these different small parts that are supposed to work together to accomplish the task at hand. But sometimes, the parts get rusty, or the parts need to be oiled up, or maybe somebody who hates the machine actually secretly replaces the working parts with things that don't help the machine run, for example, replacing the fuel pump on your truck with a rutabaga, or maybe replacing the engine with a donut. Have I made myself perfectly clear? 


Second question... Mandy Buttercroft of Eugene, Oregon. Ah, Oregon. So many... Oregon-type things. Mandy asks me, "Rivers, you're obviously very intelligent in the arts of cinema. Does the top fall at the end on Inception?" Mandy, we don't know. It's ambiguous, which means that it's open to interpretation. But you're focusing too much on whether or not it falls. The focus in the final scene is on Dom Cobb, who leaves the top behind. That is the important thing. He doesn't care anymore. All he cares about are his kids... or so we think. A popular theory floating around is that Dom Cobb is on his way to grab his kids, hook them up to the dream machine, go three levels down, and push them in front of a train. What would this accomplish? Christopher Nolan, in his infinite wisdom, leaves that up to you to decide. Because he started that popular theory.

We'll take one more question today... this one is from Hank McCorkle from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Hank asks, "Rivers, who are your celebrity crushes?" Well, I'll tell you. First and foremost, veteran actor and, might I add, one of today's really fantastic and versatile actors, Grant James.

Grant James

If you are unaware of who Grant James is, well, I'm in stunned disbelief, because this is THE guy. This guy IS acting. His breakthrough role came in 1999 with the hit film Barney and Friends: Fun With Wheels! where he plays an old wheel factory owner named Pop Wheelie. Pop Wheelie is in the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease, but takes the time, however difficult it is with his mental condition, to show several obnoxious spazzy children his wheel factory. Just a beautiful, beautiful man. I've watched the film over 500 times. A little excessive? Maybe. But you would too if James's stunning portrayal of this terrible disease moved you like it does me. Every time.

My other celebrity crush: Steve Burns. You all know who that is.

Steve Burns

I don't care much for his acting, especially in his most famous role in the dark comedy Blues Clues, which is often sloppy and/or forced. But he mostly just looks a lot like my dad, who I think is strikingly handsome, albeit kind of a yahoo. No, that does not mean I have a crush on my dad. Everyone just calm down. Honorable mentions: Dame Maggie Smith, Stripe the gremlin from Gremlins, Clifford the Big Red Dog, the exploding apple from Honey I Shrunk the Kids, and John Lithgow. 

Well, until next time! Leave questions in the comments, and I'll do my best to answer as many as I can. 

Introduction

Hey there. Welcome to the blog. I just decided I oughta start one of these things, it seems like everybody is doing the "blog" thing these days. Along with all the other stupid things they do, like watching the Bachelor or the Widower, or some such ridiculous tripe like that. Ah well, nothing I can do about that. Best to spend your days not worrying about things you can't control, like my dad always tells me in that annoying high pitched squealing voice of his. Why does he do that...?

Imagine this face, just... there.
Every morning when you wake
up. Now you know what it's like.

In any case... I'm Rivers. Hi, how ya doin? That's me up and to the left. I'm around 9 months old, but I prefer to count in days, so I guess I'm actually 274. Makes me feel a little older, you know? A little about me. I'm pretty beautiful. Arrogant, I know. I'm absolutely certain I get it from my mom. I love my dad and everything, but he's just... I don't know. I can't put my finger on it. He's so weird looking. And it's gotten to the point where I can't even see his face underneath that beard. It's quite frightening when he comes into my room first thing in the morning. I always think, who is this mysterious mountain man barging into my bedroom?! Troy Knapp, the notorious mountain man burglar? Please Troy Knapp, don't hurt me! Take everything I have! But then he usually squeals something like, "Dur dur dur," while waving his hands around non-sensically, and then I know it's just dad. I know he doesn't know any better, so I can't judge him harshly.

One other thing I needed to get off my chest: pooping. Is it okay to just... you know... do it whenever? I used to think when I was younger that there might have been something wrong with it, but now whenever I do it, mom and dad just seem happier than clams, and say things like, "AWWW, LITTLE POOPERS!" in high pitched voices, like I just had poop children or something. Maybe someone can shed some light on it. I don't even know where the poop goes. Are they collecting it and putting it on display somewhere? Because they seem pretty excited about it. I don't know. Do all of you adults get as excited about each other pooping?

Thanks for reading friends. Until next time. Rivers out!